I’m going to be updating my blog with the only thing I’m good at – ripping on other people’s hard work!
Over the next couple months I’ll be looking at some really shitty comics one page at a time, making fun of them as I go.
I’m not going to read ahead, I’ll read one page and then write up my thoughts – panel by panel.
To start, I picked Marvel’s “Billy Ray Cyrus.”
Looking at the cover it seems to have a special imprint – Marvel Music. Not sure how many other music based comics Marvel made, I’ll assume none.
So what have we got on the cover here? Looks like a nice, prominent shot of Billy Ray, his mullet on fine display. His lips softly smiling. Draped across his furred chest is some kind of jewellery, maybe a key that opens a special locket. TO YOUR HEART. And look at that shirt! he must have made that himself, it’s a custom job!
His eyes are soft, yet beckoning the reader onwards.
OH NO! Look out Billy Ray!!! There’s some evil guy behind you! He has a giant moustache and plus he’s super fat – so you know he’s evil.
Who is this character? The villain of the comic?
If he is, then he sucks and this comic is going to suck.
He looks like a cartoon butcher or blacksmith or some garbage like that.
He doesn’t look like a worthy foe for BILLY RAY!
And of course by that I mean that he would kill Billy Ray really quick. This guy outweighs him by at least 150 lbs, plus his armour, plus he has a sword and a mace. Billy Ray isn’t wearing armour at all. He’s just standing there looking like a doofus. His achy breaky heart is going to get ripped out of his chest by this fat idiot.
What else is going on here? There’s some first nations guy in the background. Is he a ghost? Some kind of wise, Obi-Wan type character? Or is he just some kind of prop to draw attention to the fact (?) that Billy Ray Cyrus has aboriginal ancestry?
I don’t know if he does.
Who fucking cares?
This comic already sucks a giant dick.
And what’s that shit at the bottom right? it looks like some kind of tuba sword. Does billy ray play the tuba? He sure can’t fight at all. I’m sure he fights like a milliion guys in this comic. And beats them all.
Fuck you Billy Ray Cyrus.
When I was a kid, if I had seen this comic, I wouldn’t have thought about it at all. I didn’t know who Billy Ray Cyrus was. So who is this comic supposed to be for? What huge Billy Ray Cyrus fan was out there thinking “I really like his music, but I’d like to see sequential drawings of him doing things like fighting a big fat knight!”
Fucking no one.
No one bought this comic.
Not even Billy Ray.