Billy Ray Cyrus – Page Four

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Seriously, Karen, you should have seen that ghost. There’s no way you didn’t. Or all that fog that just suddeny dissapeared? You didn’t catch any of it?!?!
Stop worrying about Gary and worry about yourself, you have serious vision issues.
Oh, and of course that’s Billy Ray coming in to save the day.
Yelling as loud as he can so everyone pays attention to him approaching.
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What’s Gary “Whoops”ing about? He didn’t do anything. It was Billy Ray that galloped full speed at these kids/full grown adults and stopped as late as possible.
He’s proud of his horse though. A great sliding stop right up into these guys’ faces. Eat horse dust you losers.
Oh and his vest is purple now.
Of course it is.
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Look at her face. That’s pure exstacy. Has anyone, ever, been that excited to see Billy Ray Cyrus?
Billy Ray overheard their conversation? He heard two people talking and rode over to save the day? That’s Billy Ray for you. Has a very low threshold to justify his involvment in other people’s personal affairs.
Also, he looks more and more like the fucking Witcher in every panel.
That’s right Gary, it’s MR.CYRUS to you.
Karen is quick to point out that they’re no longer dating. When did that happen? Does Gary not realize they broke up? Or did she JUST break up with him, as of that sentence?
Billy Ray says “Uh oh!” you know, what anyone normal would say in a similar situation when two strangers tell you about their relationship issues? Or maybe he means “uh oh! I’m not going to be able to stop myself from sexing up these teens!”
His hair is also down to the small of his back. Will it stay there, conistantley? I doubt it.
He was not fucking wearing those gloves before, was he?!?! Did he just put them on? Are they his “thinking gloves” for when he begins to talk about American history?
Of course he knows the history behind this fort. He’s Billy Ray Cyrus.
Don’t even think about it.

Billy Ray Cyrus – Page Three

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Oh yeah, it was a ghost. A giant white cherokee indian ghost. Neat. He’s just hanging out there with his eyes closed. Just chilling out, and then Gary comes up and starts screaming like an idiot.
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The slow woman he’s with finally gets there just in time to see whatever is happening here in the second panel.
So is it now really clear that it’s just some guy pretending to be a mist-ghost? Or is this another colouring issue?
Maybe it’s some kind of human statue busking situation that’s going on. He’s just a street performer trying to earn a living!
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Karen is at least 26, and she is terrible.
She’s really getting on Gary’s case. “Why did you yell Gary? You look awful Gary!”
Give him a break, he just saw saw a native american, and it super-freaked him out. Gary’s only ever been around white people, he’s experienceing shock.
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Karen doesn’t buy his shit. Look at that panel of her. She’s super incredulous that there was an indian. They’re extinct! Her face is collapsing in on itself.
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So this is establishing that Gary is a liar and has a background of lies.
Why is Karen still putting up with him, agreeing to secluded bike trips?
Oh, wait, where’s her bike?
Is that why she was so far behind? Only Gary had a bike and she ran the whole way? I’d be pissed off too.
Gary proobably told her there would be two bikes.
Just another one of his lies.

Billy Ray Cyrus – Page Two

Page 2
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What a jump over that log! Roam has cleared the entire river and the surrounding landscape, landing on a flat, sandy area. The jump was also powerful enough to change Billy Ray’s shirt into an open vest.
What is he trying to say to the horse here? I tried to look up the phrase “Got the wind in your nose” and all I found was “Milk Coming Our Of My Baby’s Nose!” on circleofmoms.com.
Nothing’s really happening in any of these panels. Billy Ray Cyrus is just shittily riding a horse.
And what a horse! This panel makes Roam look like a space monster.
I also like how Billy Ray is offering advice to the horse, like it’s optional. No, YOU have to watch the horse’s footing. Don’t dump responsibility onto him. He’s only in charge of mega jumps.
“That’s a heavy mist out there” is probably the best catchphrase for an action hero I’ve ever heard. Look at how steely eyed and determined he is saying it. Like he has a history with heavy mists. Oh yeah, they go way back. He’s seen some mists in his day, let me tell you.
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AND NOT FAR OFF…
Yeah, of course there’s some dickbag kid in this comic. How else would the youth of 1995 be able to relate to a story about country music sensation Billy Ray Cyrus fighting ghosts?
So he’s with some idiot named Karen, and they got too far apart in the mist. Thick, purple, eye level mist. The kind that’s perfect for getting far apart in.
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So the kid brought Karen to the “ruins of this old fort.” What a charmer. I wouldn’t have gone with him, Karen.
How are they that far apart that he can’t even see her? Why was he going so fast? To beat the afternoon rush at the old fort?
She’s not there though, so who is he talking to, his bike?
Looks like we’re setting up a classic enemy – the cherokee indian spirits, they’re always a troublesome bunch.
Oh no, looks like this idiot kid sees something behind the mist and it’s scared him so much he’s developed a stutter. Will it be some kind of ghost? Some kind of cherokee indian ghost?
Who cares.

Billy Ray Cyrus – Page One

WOW! straight into the action with a dynamic shot of a goblin riding a horse. Oh, wait, no, it’s Billy Ray Cyrus.
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That face isn’t even close to what he really looks like. I guess because this comic is a piece of shit. That’s my guess as to why they couldn’t even draw him correctly on the first page.
Why is he dressed like he’s a level one Skyrim character?
I’ll be honest, I have no idea what Billy Ray Cyrus was wearing in 1995, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a gold medallion chain with matching bracelet with a buckskin sleeveless jacket and PURPLE cowboy boots. Prove me wrong though. I would be in heaven if this outfit is correct. I’m sure the continuity is tight here.
His hair is insane. It doesn’t look like a mullet, it looks like his horse’s tail, but in brunette.
He has gloves on. No sleeves, but gloves. Makes sense.
Look at his hand though, he’s only holding the bridle with his index finger. Is that normal horse riding technique? And also to extend you pinkie so that you can tickle your horse’s neck?
The horse is nicely drawn. I’ll assume that his mane isn’t held up due to the jump he’s making but because Billy Ray styles all his horses’ hair with Dippity Doo.
Where is he riding? In the river? Isn’t that really dangerous for Roam (the horse’s name is Roam)?
Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t give a fuck about broken horse ankles. He’s making enough money he can just buy a new horse to river jump with.
There’s also a lot of flowers everywhere. This must be one of those flower forests that totally exist. You know, a forest that has some trees and some flowers and that’s it.
What dialogue! He’s having a full conversation with the horse, mid-jump.
Why is only “Makin’” contracted? He says “Riding” without dropping the “G.” Is he badly faking an accent while he’s on that horse?
There’s something about the way he’s talking to Roam that makes me really uncomfortable. Maybe it’s all those ellipses that I read with long, awkward pauses. Like in-between them he’s leaving room for Roam to reply.
Maybe Roam can talk though.
This is only page one.
It’s great that Billy Ray gives a shout out to how much he loves his fans and touring for them. If he didn’t say that I would have assumed he was a greedy asshole that only cared about money.
He also calls this “the trail.” Is this a colouring issue, maybe? The water was supposed to be sand? Prob not. He’s just an idiot. And this comic is garbage.
I don’t like how the word “love” is bolded in his last speech bubble. Bolded words denote emphasis in comics. How you read that word pronounced can really alter his intentions.
Try to read it out loud to yourself a few time, switching up the initiation on “love.”
I like to read the whole thing really sarcastically.
That text at the bottom is awful. It looks like it was made in Microsoft Word.
This comic sucks. Why am I doing this? I’m on page 3 of 50. Fuck me.

Billy Ray Cyrus — Credits Page

This page is basically the opening credits of the comic.
It shows us the names of the people who worked on this trash and what they were paid to do. Paid in real, human money.
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It’s interesting that Ban Barry was in charge of art AND continuity. What continuity? This is the first issue. What elaborate backstory is there to the canon of billy ray cyrus?
Did they mess up shit in the first draft that Paul S. Newman wrote?
Was Billy Ray talking to billy ray in a buch of scenes and Barry was like “CONTINUITY ERROR! WE NEED TO FIX THIS! I NEED ANOTHER PAYCHEQUE!!”
Real fans of Billy Ray wouldn’t let them get away with any liberties to his rich character.
Joe Kaufman was in charge of “Book Design,” not sure what that means. Hopefully I will see some impressive layout choices that validates his inclusion.
It took two people to edit this trash, Mike Todd and his assistant, Karl Bollers – so I expect a really tight story and fantastic dialogue.
Mike Warlow represents Marvel Music, a department that I’m guessing is made up of him, sitting alone in a tiny office with all the lights turned out. Occasionally a cockroach will scuttle over his hand. He doesn’t react to the insect. He’s already dead.
All of these sound like fake names. Billy Ray made this himself and paid Marvel to publish it.
Take a look at the watermark on this page. Some dynamic action shots of Billy Ray that we’ll see in the pages ahead!
Soon we’ll all bear witness to him doing such things as looking down, looking up, playing guitar, looking left, looking to the right, looking to the far right, riding a horse and looking left again.
There’s some text at the top that reveals we’re going to be reading TWO stories.
What’s up with them calling him “Cyrus?” That’s his name here? Okay.
So the first story is CYRUS and his horse ROAM (on one of their signature simple jaunts) meet some ghosts or something. Who cares? I don’t. So he fights ghosts. Great.
Great title too. Is this the name of one of his songs? Oh, fuck, it probably is. UGHHHHH.
The second story is when he gets killed by that fat knight from the cover. Probably. It’s asking a lot of questions that no one wants the answer to.
Who’s reading these little recaps anyway. Is anyone picking up the book, reading this page and deciding “Oh, yeah, these adventures sound good!”
If you even look at this comic you’ve already made up your insane mind that you are going to read it. And that you probably hate yourself.
Take a look a the fine print at the bottom; Billy Ray Cyrus owns all the characters that appear in this comic. At any time he can use some of the colourful cast in the pages that follow. I’m sure they’ve popped up in something since 1995. Because they’re great. Right?!?!

Billy Ray Cyrus Comic – Cover

I’m going to be updating my blog with the only thing I’m good at – ripping on other people’s hard work!
Over the next couple months I’ll be looking at some really shitty comics one page at a time, making fun of them as I go.
I’m not going to read ahead, I’ll read one page and then write up my thoughts – panel by panel.
To start, I picked Marvel’s “Billy Ray Cyrus.”

Billy Ray Cover

Looking at the cover it seems to have a special imprint – Marvel Music. Not sure how many other music based comics Marvel made, I’ll assume none.
So what have we got on the cover here? Looks like a nice, prominent shot of Billy Ray, his mullet on fine display. His lips softly smiling. Draped across his furred chest is some kind of jewellery, maybe a key that opens a special locket. TO YOUR HEART. And look at that shirt! he must have made that himself, it’s a custom job!
His eyes are soft, yet beckoning the reader onwards.

OH NO! Look out Billy Ray!!! There’s some evil guy behind you! He has a giant moustache and plus he’s super fat – so you know he’s evil.
Who is this character? The villain of the comic?
If he is, then he sucks and this comic is going to suck.
Suck hard.
He looks like a cartoon butcher or blacksmith or some garbage like that.
He doesn’t look like a worthy foe for BILLY RAY!
And of course by that I mean that he would kill Billy Ray really quick. This guy outweighs him by at least 150 lbs, plus his armour, plus he has a sword and a mace. Billy Ray isn’t wearing armour at all. He’s just standing there looking like a doofus. His achy breaky heart is going to get ripped out of his chest by this fat idiot.

What else is going on here? There’s some first nations guy in the background. Is he a ghost? Some kind of wise, Obi-Wan type character? Or is he just some kind of prop to draw attention to the fact (?) that Billy Ray Cyrus has aboriginal ancestry?
I don’t know if he does.
Who fucking cares?
This comic already sucks a giant dick.

And what’s that shit at the bottom right? it looks like some kind of tuba sword. Does billy ray play the tuba? He sure can’t fight at all. I’m sure he fights like a milliion guys in this comic. And beats them all.
Fuck you Billy Ray Cyrus.

When I was a kid, if I had seen this comic, I wouldn’t have thought about it at all. I didn’t know who Billy Ray Cyrus was. So who is this comic supposed to be for? What huge Billy Ray Cyrus fan was out there thinking “I really like his music, but I’d like to see sequential drawings of him doing things like fighting a big fat knight!”
Fucking no one.
No one bought this comic.
Not even Billy Ray.